


All My Heart

by eversinceniall



Category: Pierce the Veil, Sleeping With Sirens
Genre: Angst, Apologies, Betrayal, Crying, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Hurt/Comfort, Kissing, M/M, Panic Attacks, Pining, Post-Break Up, Post-Prison, Resentment, Reunions, Teacher-Student Relationship, The fluff is minimal, it's mostly just angst and pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-14
Updated: 2017-06-14
Packaged: 2018-11-14 00:39:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,674
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11196834
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eversinceniall/pseuds/eversinceniall
Summary: After being caught dating his student, seventeen year old Kellin, twenty one year old Vic Fuentes was sent to prison. A little over a year into his sentence, Kellin, the supposed love of his life, broke it off. Now Vic is out, after serving two and a half years of a three year sentence. With no one else to call, Vic is forced to ask the black haired boy to pick him up and the two are reunited. Angst and kisses ensue.





	All My Heart

It'd been a long time. A long time since I'd seen his smiling face, his bright happy eyes. But when I was told I was getting out in a few days, Kellin was the only person I knew I could call who wouldn't hang up on me, and also, the only person I wanted to talk to.

And then when the day came, after the guards gave me back all the belongings I had with me when I came to this miserable place, it was finally time. After one year, eight months, eleven days, four hours, fifteen minutes and nine seconds, Kellin and I were standing face to face again.

The last time I had seen him, he'd been nineteen with the remainders of a baby face, a good three inches shorter than me with hopeful eyes.

Now he stood over me by about two inches, and his previously short golden locks were shoulder length and dyed raven black. Where he had once been smooth and clean shaven, there was the faintest of stubble.

But the feature that stuck out the most were his crystal blue eyes. Like ice, they pierced through you with their penetrating stare. That was the only thing that remained unchanged on the boy I once knew better than myself, and even that could not stay the same.

Kellin's eyes were, I guess you could say, multicolored. The majority of the time his eyes were striking blue, but a few days of the week, his eyes were the color of the forest. On even more rare of an occasion, his eyes were hazel; those were my favorite days.

"Hi," Kellin said, waving his hand side to side in an awkward greeting. His voice was deeper, too. I'd thought the phone had just warped his voice a little, the way it always did on those shitty phones at the prison, but it appeared I was wrong.

"Hello," I choked out, my voice quivering as I spoke. I was wondering what else had changed about this gorgeous boy. But God, what had I been expecting? He was twenty now, almost twenty one, a full fledged adult.

"H-how are you?" He asked, anxiety flitting across his face. It was reassuring to know he was just as nervous as I was.

"I'm good. As I can be." I said, with a glance at the building looming behind me like a threat. Kellin was the reason I'd been thrown in there, and now he was the one I was coming out with. The irony was outstanding.

We stood in awkward silence as the brief conversation came to a halt. I took the time to look him up and down. His style sure was different from when I'd known him.

"Going through a, uh, little emo phase?" I teased, nodding at his Nirvana t-shirt, and skinny jeans ripped at the knees.

He glared, his hand on his hip, but there was no malice in it. "I'm in an emo band now. Got to fit the part." He said as he started walking towards what I assumed was his car.

I followed, staying a few paces behind him. "So you don't like the clothes?

He looked back at me. "I didn't say that. I like em just fine. Not what I'd usually wear, but I guess I've changed."

You sure have.

He got in the driver's seat, and I in the passenger's. The radio was on, and after twenty minutes of complete quiet, I was tempted to turn the volume up to drown out the silence.

I ended up chickening out because I felt too awkward doing so. But I knew I couldn't just sit here in silence for the next two hours to my parents' house.

"So," I said in an awful attempt to start a conversation. "Do ya write sad, little emo love songs?"

He smiled and even though it didn't reach his eyes, my heart still skipped a beat. "Some. But they're not all sad. Got happy ones too. Otherwise we'd be known as the emo Taylor Swift. I don't think you can get much worse than that."

I laughed, the sound startling to hear from myself. I couldn't remember the last time I'd laughed a real, genuine laugh. I'd always laughed a lot when I was with Kellin, though. We used to stay up late sharing funny stories from our past, until the sun cast rays of light through the blinds of my bedroom windows, and we had less than an hour to sleep before school started. We'd exchange glances in the halls, and count down the minutes until we could be together again. All that felt like forever ago now.

I wanted to ask if any of those songs were about me, about us, and all the time we had spent together. But I knew they probably weren't. I wondered if he was still with the guy he'd left me for, Oliver, or if he was seeing someone else. It was hard to imagine him with someone else. It wasn't that I thought I owned him, or wanted to. No, it was just that he'd always been mine, my boyfriend, my Kellin. But he hadn't been my anything for a long time now.

"So, how are you?" I asked, and I wasn't just asking to be polite. I really did want to know how he'd been this past year and a half. I wanted to know what he was doing in life, if he'd went to school to pursue his dream of being a hairstylist like he'd said he was going to, if he was still friends with all his friends from high school, but most importantly, I wanted to know if he was happy, truly happy.

I used to know everything there was to know about Kellin. I could write a book and three sequels about him. Now all I knew was that he was in a band, dyed his hair black, and smiled a smile that didn't quite reach his eyes.

"I'm okay." He said with a shrug. "I started going to cosmetology school after I took that year off, but you know that was always my plan. I'm in a band now, like I told you. You remember Justin? We kept in contact, and he was the one who suggested we start a band. He got some of his friends, I got some of mine, and well, now we're a band. I didn't think it would be anything serious, just something for fun. But we're gaining a lot of attention, and have our own fan base. Guess those sad little emo love songs are pretty good, aye?"

I grinned at the thought of him succeeding, and then I remembered the times we'd lay in my bed at night, and I'd ask him to sing me to sleep. He'd always whine and tease that I was like a child, needing a lullaby to fall asleep. I'd flatter him with compliments until he, with cherry red cheeks, complied and sang me songs in his high, soothing voice.

"You ought to show me some of those songs, yeah? I'd like to hear them. You were always a wonderful singer, and I mean it. Your voice is magical."

Kellin smiled at me, his blue eyes flashing with happiness. I was hit with a flood of warmth that spread all throughout my body at that. I was glad that I had been the one to make his eyes shine the way they were supposed to.

"Thanks." He said and I could hear how grateful he was. "Now that I'm semi-famous, I get people telling me how great my voice is all the time. I'm thankful, of course. But with you, well, I know you're sincere. I know you don't have an ulterior motive. And I'll show you some of our songs anytime you want. I can even sing them to you instead of listening to a recording."

"You know I'll always be honest with you." I said. "And thanks for that. I'll be sure to take you up on that offer."

We lapsed into a short silence, but it was comfortable this time, and I was able to relax into my seat.

"Since we're asking questions here, mind if I ask one of my own?" Kellin asked, glancing over at me.

"Go ahead."

"Well, I've been wondering since you called three days ago, but why did you ask me of all people, to come pick you up?"

I stiffened, and sat up a little straighter. "You know Jaime thinks I'm fucked up. I hadn't realized how many people in our little town also hated me, until I reached out to people I had previously thought were my friends."

"I'm sorry," Kellin said, apologetic. "At least you have your family, right? I mean, that's where you're going to be staying, after all."

I wasn't one to rant, but I'd been bottling my emotions up for the past two and half years, and now that I was free to express what I was feeling, I couldn't hold back.

"You'd think so, right?" I scoffed. "No, my father hates me. Even Mike is wary around me. The only one who treats me like I'm a normal human being is my mother, God bless her. It's fucking ridiculous. I fell in love with a seventeen year old, and now I'm a monster. I didn't rape anyone, I didn't murder anyone. I made one small mistake, and now everyone is going to hate me no matter where I go."

Once I finished ranting, I looked up to see Kellin's reaction. I was embarrassed to go on like that, but it had felt really good to get it all out.

Kellin's face was twisted with guilt, and he even looked hurt, but I wasn't sure why.

I didn't want him to feel guilty for my mistakes. I didn't have to pursue a relationship with him. I'd had a choice, and I had known it was against the law, that I could get into serious trouble if anyone found out, but I'd taken the risk anyway.

Noticing the pinched expression on his face hadn't gone away, I grew concerned.

"What's wrong?" I asked.

Kellin didn't look at me. Keeping his eyes on the road as he drove, he asked, "Was I mistake? Were we a mistake?"

"What?"

"You said, 'I made one small mistake and now everyone is going to hate me no matter where I go.' Unless there was another seventeen year old I didn't know about, then I assume you were talking about me. So, do you consider me a mistake?"

I couldn't just help but wonder why he was so upset. Even if I did consider our relationship a mistake, why did that affect him? Clearly he thought we were a mistake a year and half ago when he broke up with me for another guy.

"No," I said. "You weren't a mistake, Kellin. Falling in love and pursuing a relationship with a seventeen year old was a stupid thing to do. I was twenty one, and you were my student. Even though the age difference between us was pretty small, you were a minor, and I should have known better. That was my mistake. Maybe it doesn't make sense, but still, I don't consider our relationship one of my mistakes."

"Oh." Kellin said, and I could tell he felt awkward after getting angry like he had. He paused, as if searching for something to say.

"Even if you don't consider what we had a mistake... do you regret it? If you could go back, would you do everything differently?" Kellin asked finally.

Outside the window, I watched as the car slowly came to a halt beside a gas pump. Kellin turned the car off, and I turned to him.

He was already looking at me. It was a bit nerve-wracking to suddenly have his undivided attention on me, but I beared through it.

I stared into his eyes. They were so beautiful. He was so beautiful. The way he was looking at me felt familiar, but I didn't know why.

All of a sudden, I thought about that day. That was the last day that Kellin and I had been as close as we were right now. That day would have been amazing, but it ended up turning out to be the worst day of my life. The day everything went downhill and never came back up.

>>>

**Three Years Ago**

"Meet me in the bathroom before lunch." Kellin had texted me that morning.

Kellin and I usually tried not to act suspicious at school. We didn't want anyone to catch onto the fact that we were dating, so we had a rule that stated we weren't to interact at school unless it was a normal teacher-student conversation during class.

Other than a few makeout sessions in my classroom, we had done well at sticking to that rule. We were safe. We locked the door, and put the blinds down on the windows.

But that day we weren't.

Although I knew it probably wasn't a good idea to meet Kellin in the bathroom, a place that was so open and easily accessible with no locks, I ignored my gut feeling.

When I got to the bathroom, Kellin was already inside. He'd picked the bathroom that most people didn't use. It was cleaned less often than the others, so people always chose to use the other, more sanitary bathrooms scattered across the school.

"Hey," Kellin said, with a happy smile as he spotted me. He came over, wrapping his arms around my neck.

"Hi," I said, my heart pumping faster, just like it always did when I saw him.

"I missed you." He said with a pout.

Thinking it was the most adorable thing I'd ever seen, I leaned in and kissed his puckered lips. He kissed me back instantly, burying his hands in my hair.

"I missed you, too." I said, my voice echoing in the empty bathroom.

Kellin winked. "I could tell."

I laughed. "How's your day going?"

"Normal. Boring. We ought to stop texting so much during class. Justin thinks I've got a girlfriend, and won't stop badgering me for a name."

"If only he knew." I said.

"What? That I'm fucking my Art teacher? He'd piss himself." Kellin laughed.

"It was one time! Oh, and Kells, honey, you're not exactly the one doing the fucking." I said, pulling him closer by the hips, and capturing his lips with mine.

I wasn't going to lie and say Kellin and I hadn't had sex. We'd slept together for the first time a little over a month ago.

Did I feel bad about it? Yes. We'd both wanted to wait until he was legal, but things didn't go as planned. After the first time, we swore not to do it again until after his birthday.

Now though, we didn't have anything to worry about. His eighteenth birthday was in two days, and graduation was in another week. Then not only would our relationship be legal, but he wouldn't be my student either.

I pulled away from the kiss, looking into his eyes, which were hazel today; my favorite.

He was looking at me with such affection that it was startling, but I was sure I was looking at him the same way. I rested my hand on his face, stroking his cheek with my thumb.

We'd both agreed this was serious. It wasn't some fling. After all, we had passed the fling stage quite awhile ago, considering we'd been together for a year now.

Looking into his eyes, knowing that this was serious, this was real, I finally said the words I'd been holding inside for the last three months.

"I love you."

Kellin's eyes widened, but they were sparkling as he pulled me against him once more. "I love you, too. So much. Been waiting for you to say it first." He murmured against my mouth.

I felt on top of the world, like nothing could ever bring me down. I couldn't remember a time when I'd been this happy in my life.

And then a shocked gasp came from the entrance and everything came crashing down. The world flung me into a deep, dark black hole, where all happiness was void.

Because there stood the principal, clad in a fancy blue suit with a look of disgust and outrage on his face.

Instinctively, I looked to Kellin, and he was looking at me, too. His eyes were wide with fear, and his hand was trembling under mine.

'I love you,' I mouthed. 'We will be okay. We're okay.'

But I already we weren't, and we wouldn't be. We were doomed from the start.

>>>

The look in Kellin's eyes now reminded me of the way he'd looked at me, two and a half years. That affection, it was still there. I wondered what that meant.

"Well, do you? Would you?" Kellin asked, startling me back to the present.

I'd gotten lost in his eyes, and even more lost in the past.

I thought about what he'd asked, if I regretted our relationship, and what I would do if I had the chance to go back in time. I knew the answer before I even had the chance to really think about it.

I could never regret Kellin. He was the only person I'd ever truly loved, and it was real; the realest thing I'd ever felt for another person. Outside of family, I hadn't realized I could love another person as much as I had loved him. Even if I had the chance to change things, I wouldn't. I'd do it all over again.

"No." I said, deciding not to go into the full depth of my feelings. "I don't regret you, or us, or what we had. It was the happiest time of my life. And if I could go back, I'd only change one thing."

"What's that?" Kellin asked as he leant in, intrigued.

"I'd make sure we never got caught."

Kellin looked at me for a long time. I waited for him to say something, but he didn't. I wanted more than anything to know what he was thinking as he looked at me.

"How about you?" I asked, breaking the trance he seemed to be in.

"What about me?" He asked, cluelessly.

"Do-"

He interrupted me before I could finish what I was saying, but I couldn't be mad at him. Instead I was just utterly fond.

"Are you sure you don't regret it? I could understand if you did." Kellin said. "Like you said earlier, everyone thinks you're a horrible person because of our relationship. Your friends have all turned on you. Don't you regret that you've lost everyone all because of me?

I rested my cheek on my hand. "Back then, I didn't regret it because I didn't care what others thought. Being with you might have turned everyone against me, but as long as I had you by my side, I was confident I would be alright. You were all I had left, but you were all I wanted anyway. And now, I still don't regret it. I was so happy when I was with you. The only difference between then, and now is that now, I don't have you anymore."

"I'm sorry." He said, looking down at his hands which were in his lap.

What was he apologizing for? I knew it was one of the three options I'd painted in my head, but which one?

For leaving me on my own when I needed him most? For breaking my fucking heart? Or was it for telling me he loved me, and then leaving me for some loser the second I got locked up, because of our 'love'?

I know I loved Kellin. I wouldn't have risked my relationships with family and friends, my job, and my whole fucking future for him if I hadn't loved him.

But sometimes, I wonder if there ever was an 'us.' Or if it was just me playing with fire for a whole year because I was a fool in love. Playing with fire is dangerous because fire burns you, and god, when Kellin left, he burned me. Seared right through my goddamn heart, and left me for some British bastard.

And that's why, sometimes, I wonder if Kellin ever truly loved me.

I know he loved me, but I don't think it was ever in the same way I loved him.

I risked everything for him, put everything on the line for him, because it felt right. Because we felt right.

But Kellin, what did he have to lose by being in a relationship with me? He had nothing to lose and I had everything.

And god, god, when he left me it was like he wasn't even affected. He'd torn my heart in two and left me to rot in a cell. Of all the possible scenarios I'd ever envisioned that involved Kellin and I getting caught, I had never imagined that not only would I lose my job, friends, and family, but that I would lose him, too.

Even if he broke my heart, I didn't want to hear his apologizes. My usual motto was, if you knew you would be sorry, then why did you do it in the first place.

But of course, none of that applied to him, because he didn't even have to apologize and I would still forgive him. It seemed some things never changed; I was still a fool.

I brushed off his apology, acting as if it had never even occurred. "And you, Kellin? Do you regret it? Would ya change anything?" I asked.

"Hmm." Kellin hummed, with a thoughtful expression. He seemed to be contemplating his answer, and although I was feeling impatient on the inside, I didn't rush him.

Finally, he shifted in his seat until he was facing me fully. I was aware of our surroundings, the people outside going into the convenience store and the ones getting gas. But all I could focus on was Kellin.

His eyes were clouded with such sadness. "No, I don't. I don't regret it. How could I? You were my first love, the love of my life. I wouldn't change a minute of the time we spent together. I'd just... if I could change the past, I wouldn't have left you. Not ever, and especially not in the way I did."

In the time span of a minute, my heart seemed to stop and then start again. There were a million desperate questions I wanted to ask.

Does that mean you want me back? Do you still love me? Are you seeing anyone? Are you really over me?

I breathed in deep and harsh. "Then why did you?"

Kellin's eyes got all glassy, like he was about to cry. "I don't know." His voice wavered. "I don't know. I was stupid, Vic. I was so stupid. But I don't think it matters anymore, because I can't change the past."

He turned away from me, about to open the car door, but I grabbed his wrist to stop him.

"It matters," I said. "It does. It still matters to me. I used to lie awake at night in my cell, wondering if I'd given everything up for a person who didn't even love me. All I ever thought about was you. And if you had really loved me, then why had you decided to leave me? So tell me, please, because for the past year and half, it's all I've been able to think about."

He turned back around, his cheeks streaked with tears. "I'm sorry." He cried. "I was so, so, fucking dumb. My parents hated you. My friends hated you. They hated the fact that I was with you because they thought you were scum. They said you were just using me, tried to convince me that our relationship wasn't going anywhere. And I guess after hearing it on repeat for the year after we got caught, I started to believe them. My friends set me up with a guy they knew, who turned out to be Oliver. He was so sweet, so kind, everyone made sure I knew that. And he was. He was, and he was there, and you weren't-"

"I was in jail!" I interrupted. "I was in jail because I loved you, because I thought you were worth the risk. For nearly three years, I was locked up, dreaming of the day I got out so that we could be together, but a year into my sentence, you left me, for some guy, because he was sweet, and kind, and he was there and I wasn't? I wanted to be there, Kellin, but I fucking couldn't, I couldn't. So you just left me?"

My eyes were wet with angry tears. I couldn't help but to cry. When I got angry enough, I began to feel overwhelmed and my body decided that the only way to fully express the emotions I was feeling was to produce tears. I couldn't feel bad for being upset and yelling at Kellin the way I had. For the past year and a half all I wanted to do was scream and ask, why, why, why. But I'd kept those words locked deep down inside, attempting to stay positive when all I really wanted to do was sink into the dark hole that was depression.

Kellin was crying now, too, full on sobbing in fact. His eyes were blurry with them, sticking to his eyelashes. He wasn't crying because he was mad. He was crying because I'd called him out for the awful thing he had done to me, and now he felt guilty. I could see it all in his face. Sometimes he was an open book, so easy to read, but never in the most important moments was anything easy with him.

I was suddenly grateful this car had tinted windows, so no one could see the shit show going on inside. I could see the people outside, going about their business like normal, but they couldn't see us, thank God.

Kellin and I sure were fancy people, weren't we? Pouring our feelings out in a gas station parking lot. But somehow it felt right, like this was necessary, and maybe it was.

"I'm sorry. So fucking sorry." He whispered. "I was under so much pressure. Everyone was pissed at me for taking a year off after graduation instead of going straight to college, and even more pissed off that I was still seeing you. All I ever heard was that you were a sick, pedophile who was ruining my life, and I... I fucked up. Can, God, can you ever forgive me?"

"You did." I said, ignoring another one of his apologies, and hiding my face in my hands. I was sobbing uncontrollably now, and this time it was from more than just anger. My anger had been overcome by sadness, by all those feelings of hopelessness and despair that I had shoved away to best of my ability.

When I looked up, Kellin was staring at me, a little stunned at my breakdown. I'd never cried in front of him, not even when I found out I was going to prison for three years, so it must have come as a surprise.

"You fucked up." I continued once I'd gotten control of my emotions. "It's funny, really. While I was locked up, I thought about you a lot. I didn't think I'd ever see you again, after you broke up with me. I hadn't heard from you since, and so I figured it was just over. But even then, I still had this gut feeling that we would see each other again. And so, in the hopes that one day we would be reunited, I planned out everything I would say to you. I rehearsed it, over and over again in my head. Memorized it. But here, now, it's not the same. Not as satisfying as I'd thought it be, and I haven't even said everything I wanted to say."

Kellin swallowed hard. "What all did you want to say?"

I looked him in the eye. "Do you really want to know?" Even if he said yes, I didn't think it was a good idea to tell him. I would if he asked, but some of the things I had planned to say to him in my head were harsh.

He nodded.

"For the longest time, I was so fucking angry. I felt so betrayed, so used. I wanted to scream at you that you were a stupid whore, who never loved me. I wanted to ask you how you could break the heart of someone you loved and then leave them for another man after you promised to stay forever. I wanted to ask if you'd been whoring around while I was laying in my bunk at night, your faithful little bitch." I gulped. "There's more, but. I think that's enough."

Kellin sighed. He still looked upset, but he wasn't crying anymore, which was a good thing. I hated to see him cry. "I was awful to you. I deserve everything you thought about me. I want to say sorry again, but I know you're probably tired of hearing that, and I want your forgiveness, but I know I don't deserve it, so I won't bother asking for that."

I laughed. I just couldn't help it. After everything Kellin had done to me, I wanted to hate him, but I couldn't.

"You don't have to ask for forgiveness, because you've already got it." I said.

Kellin's eyes got big. "What?"

"I said, you've got it."

"I heard that, dummy, but what I meant is why? How can you forgive me so easily after all I put you through? I wouldn't blame you if you hated me forever.

"I don't know why I forgave you." I shrugged. "I guess I had nearly two years to do so, amongst all my anger, that is. And I could never hate you, Kellin."

I wasn't being entirely honest with Kellin, or with myself. Maybe it seemed impossible to forgive someone the instant they hurt you, but I had. I was angry at Kellin for a long time, but the second he broke my heart, I forgave him, simple as that.

And the reason for that was because I was a fool. A stupid, stupid fool. But more than that, I was still in love with him.

"You're a good person." Kellin said. "You always have been. Better than I could ever be."

"You're a good person, too, Kellin. I know you are. You just fucked up. We all do."

Even after what he had put me through, I knew Kellin was a good person. He had a kind, gentle heart. And, like everyone does at some point in their life, he fucked up. But that was another one of the reasons I had forgiven him; we all deserve to be forgiven for our mistakes. Big or small, everyone makes mistakes, everyone messes up, but their mistakes should not define who they are as a person.

Still, I wondered if Oliver was still around or if they'd broken up. Not unlike before, I was curious about those details of Kellin's life. Perhaps he had fucked up with me, but that didn't mean he would fuck up again with another person, and it didn't mean he couldn't be with another person. Even if I didn't want him to be, I knew it was a possibility.

Since we were in the midst of discussing our feelings, I couldn't think of a better time to ask a question like this one.

"Are you seeing anyone?"

Kellin looked a little shocked at my question, but I assumed he was expecting it sooner or later.

"No," He said. "I'm not."

"What about Oliver? When did you two break up?"

"We split up about six months ago." Kellin told me.

I did the math in my head - which wasn't very hard considering I had an education past the second grade - and came to the conclusion that they had dated for about a year, if Kellin had started a relationship with him immediately after ending one with me.

I wanted to ask why they broke up, if there'd been a reason. But I was a little afraid that even though Kellin had answered all my other questions with ease, asking this would be overstepping. I didn't want to upset him, but my curiosity got the best of me.

"Why did you guys break up?" I asked cautiously.

Kellin paused, quiet for such a long stretch of time that I began to think he was going to refuse to answer, but to my relief, he didn't.

"Oliver and I... we didn't fit. We couldn't work, because we weren't right for each other."

When he didn't continue, I simply nodded my head in acceptance of his answer. I wasn't going to push him to say anything he wasn't comfortable saying.

Still, if that were true, then how was it so easy for him to leave me for the Bristish bastard? Every detail of the day he left me was still as clear in my mind as if it had happened yesterday.

>>>

**One Year, Eight Months Ago**

Today was the day I got to see Kellin, and I was more than excited. Only seeing him once every Friday was hard, but it was the highlight of my week.

I stepped into the visitation room, and my eyes scanned the various tables until they landed on one in the corner where Kellin was sat.

He looked great, but he always did. His golden blond hair was straightened, and his eyes were a variety of shades of green.

I walked over to the table and took a seat in the chair across from him, pretending we weren't in a room full of other criminals. But with all the chatter in the room, it was hard to pretend it was just the two of us.

"Hey." I said, my lips stretching into a smile at the sight of him.

Even locked up in here, I couldn't help grinning whenever I saw him. He was the only reason I was strong enough to make it through this.

"Vic," he said, and he smiled, but I could tell he was faking it.

I wanted to reach out and touch him, grasp his cold hand in mine, but touching wasn't allowed, save for a goodbye hug at the end of visitation.

"Are you okay?" I asked him.

He shook his head. "Vic, we need to talk."

My heart seemed to drop into the pit of my stomach at those words, and cold dread seeped into my skin. That line was never a good one.

"About what?" I questioned, attempting to keep calm and not speculate.

Kellin leaned forward in his plastic chair, the old seat making a groaning noise. "We need to break up."

"What?"

My entire world fell away, the ground crumbled beneath me, and darkness consumed me. I was engulfed in shock and pure confusion, suffocating me until I couldn't breathe. I couldn't breathe.

My chest felt tight, and no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't seem to force oxygen through my airways.

I could feel my heart racing, faster than ever before, and panic struck my veins until it was all I was able to focus on. I began hyperventilating, and I didn't know how to stop.

The walls were closing in on me, and my vision became spotty and unclear. It was like I was looking down a tunnel, ever endless.

"Vic? Are you alright? Vic?" Kellin's voice reached my ears, but it sounded distant and far away, almost like I was disconnected from reality.

The light bulbs in the room shined too bright, reminding me of the sun, or a star. I felt like I was dying.

"Vic?" Kellin was standing beside me now, his hand on my shoulder and eyes wide with worry. "Breathe, Vic. You need to breathe. I'm here."

No, you're not, went the thought fleetingly through my mind.

And it was true. He was leaving me, and he wouldn't be here much longer.

I felt as if I needed to escape, but I didn't know what from. My head pounded and ached, and I couldn't fucking focus, but I concentrated to the best of my ability to just breathe.

I was still hyperventilating, yet slowly but surely, the world seemed to come back into focus. It felt like it took hours - though it was only minutes - for the pounding in my head to simmer down to a dull throb, and noise of the crowded visitation room to come rushing back.

Oxygen slowly seeped back into my airways, and my chest unraveled. As air came back to me, I realized how much I took it for granted.

"Vic?" Kellin called again.

I blinked once, twice, and then closed my eyes to allow my vision to flood back to me. When I opened them, everything was still a bit unclear, but the blurriness had faded, and I was relieved.

Kellin was standing beside me, looking down on me with wide, panicky green eyes. There were several guards next to him, who appeared on the verge of calling 911.

"I'm okay." I said, even though that was fair from the truth. I was weak all over and my limbs felt heavy and detached.

"Are you sure?" One of the guards asked.

I nodded my head, and after a few cautious glances exchanged, they seemingly decided I was, in fact, alright and walked off.

Kellin sat back down in the chair across from me. "What the hell was that?" He hissed, but I could tell he was only concerned.

"It was a panic attack." I said.

Although I'd never had one before, I recognized all the signs. I never imagined it could be so terrifying though.

"Oh my god," he sighed. "I was so scared. I'm so sorry."

"You're sorry?" I asked. "You just broke up with me. Why are you still here?"

"Because I can't just leave." He said and I wanted to scoff.

"Isn't that exactly what you're doing? I think that's what breaking up is; leaving. How could you?" I asked, and I couldn't stop my voice from cracking with emotion. "How can you just leave me? I love you."

Kellin sighed, fidgeting with his hands on the table in front of me. "I can't do this anymore. I can't keep coming and visiting you every week and pretending everything is fine when it isn't. I can't keep leaving you here and walking away, expected to live my life like normal. I can't be with you anymore because it's a burden, Vic. You are a burden, and I can't take it anymore."

"Wow." I laughed bitterly.

I never imagined Kellin would think something like that about me, much less say it to my face. But today was full of surprises. And it hurt. It was like looking at a completely different person, because the Kellin I loved would never tell me I was a fucking burden.

"I'm a burden?" I asked, quietly. I was so heartbroken, and so hurt but I couldn't express it in this room full of people.

I wanted to scream at him that he was a fucking liar, that he didn't mean it, he couldn't mean it.

He was the reason I was in here. Sure, I knew it was illegal to be with a student in Michigan, but he told me he wouldn't ever leave. He promised.

"I'm sorry," he said. "I'm so sorry, Vic, I really am. You know I never want to hurt you."

"Then why are you doing this?" I asked. "Why are you doing this to me, to us?"

Kellin paused. "I guess it's because I'm young. I'm only nineteen, and I need to explore. I want to live my life to the fullest, and I don't think I can do that if I'm stuck at home worrying about you, my boyfriend who has another two years on his sentence."

"I'm only here because of you!" I shouted finally. "I'm in here because I love you! And now you're leaving me because you want to 'explore?' Don't treat me like a fool, Kellin, just say that you want to fuck other guys."

He looked me in the eyes. "I want to fuck other guys." He said bluntly.

The worse feeling I had ever felt washed over me. Panic was setting in again, like shadows looming overhead waiting to attack. I pushed them away, because fuck.

"Guys? No, you met someone." I accused, pointing my finger at him. "I want to know who. Who is it?"

Kellin shifted uncomfortably in his chair, which was ridiculous. What reason did he have to be uncomfortable? "His name is Oliver. He's British, and he's sweet, and he treats me-"

"Don't." I said, cutting him off. "Don't sit here and tell me how well he treats you, and how kind he is. Don't tell me he's good for you or that you love him, because I can't fucking deal if you do."

"I'm sorry." Kellin said for what must have been the billionth time, but I didn't care. He wasn't sorry. He broke my heart on purpose.

"Does it feel good?" I asked, standing up abruptly. "Does it feel good to tell me you love me? To convince me that I'm the only one for you, and then leave me when times get tough? You fucking promised me you'd stay. You promised. What about the future we planned together? Are you really going to just throw that down the drain because of some guy? I wanted to marry you and-"

Unable to continue through the tears, I stopped. I gripped my hair with frustration. I wanted to tear it out, to ruin it, to destroy it. I wanted to destroy something the way Kellin was destroying me.

"Vic," Kellin stood and came to my side. "We aren't a fairytale. Did you really think things were perfect?"

"I guess I did." I said, and shrugged his hand off my arm. "Or maybe I just thought better of you. I thought I meant more to you. I would have done anything for you, Kellin. I already have, and look where that got me; prison. Try to find someone else who will sacrifice their entire future for you, because you won't."

I backed away, heading towards the door surrounded by guards who were ready to escort inmates back to their cells.

"I shouldn't have believed a word you said, because you may be nineteen, but at the end of the day you're still a fucking child." I said to Kellin.

And then the door slammed shut and no longer could I see him. That was the last glimpse of Kellin Quinn in my life for nearly two years.

>>>

"We should go inside," Kellin said in the present. "I need to pay for the gas, and you can pick up some snacks for yourself. After all, we've got another half hour ahead of us."

"Okay." I agreed and we both got out of the car.

Kellin and I walked into the gas station in silence, a few feet of distance between us, but still close enough for a stranger to know we were together.

I separated from Kellin as soon as we walked in, heading down one of the candy aisle. I hadn't had candy in two and a half years, and the thought of it was enough to make me drool.

I grabbed my favorite, a butterfinger, and a snickers bar, too. It was tempting to buy every single type of chip and candy in the whole store, but Kellin was paying and I didn't want to be greedy.

I found Kellin eyeing donuts behind a glass door, and softly nudged him on the shoulder to gain his attention.

"Oh hey," he said with a halfhearted smile. "You ready?"

"Yeah, leggo." I said and we made our way towards the checkout.

I stood back while Kellin dug through his wallet and paid for our snacks. In the meantime, my mind wandered, as it always did.

I snapped out of my thoughts and followed when he started towards the exit, bag in hand.

He handed me the bag full of snacks once we got to the car and I threw it in the back for later.

He filled the car up with gas while I leaned against the side of car and watched him.

I was staring at him, actually. I was totally obvious and embarrassing, but I couldn't help it.

After not seeing Kellin's face for so long, it felt like a dream to see him once again, all his features, perfections and imperfections, right in front of my eyes.

He looked a lot different than he had before, but he still took my breath away. The way the sun hit his eyes just right...

"Don't look at me like that," he murmured, still concentrated on pumping gas into the car.

My entire body seemed to flush bright, hot red. He hadn't even been looking in my direction, so how had he known I was staring at him? Regardless of how he knew, he did. I'd been caught red handed.

"Like what?" I asked, playing dumb with him.

Kellin glanced over, his eyes meeting mine. "Like you're in love with me."

I choked. I wasn't expecting that, and now I was caught off guard. "O-oh, um, sorry?" I stumbled, but it came out sounding more like a question and less like an apology.

He chuckled as he finished filling the gas tank up and leaned against the car right next to me. "You're sorry?"

"What?" I shook my head, coming to my senses. "No, I'm not. I'm not sorry."

"Oh? Now you're not sorry?" He teased, smiling all bright.

"I'm not." I confirmed. "But would it be so bad if I was? In love with you?"

His smile faded. "Vic - stop. You know as well as I do that you and I don't work out. We never will."

"Don't say that." I said, and backed him up against the car, rested both my hands on either side of him, trapping him in. "We can work. We never had the chance to before. The world wasn't in our favor three years ago, but things are different now."

"They are different," he agreed, his eyes searching mine. "I guess if you still want things to work then that means you're still in love with me too, doesn't it?"

"You're right." I admitted. "I am, and I'm not afraid to tell you that."

I watched as Kellin's cheeks flushed with color and he turned his head to the side. "I know you are. I could tell."

My heart pounded against my chest, so hard I thought it might burst. I swallowed harshly and touched Kellin's cheek with my fingertips.

"And you?" I asked quietly. "How do you feel about me?"

"Things change." He stated. "Things are different."

"Things are different," I agreed, a smile playing on my lips. "But that doesn't answer my question now, does it?"

He reached up, covering my hand with his. "You know I love you. I always have. That's something that will never change."

My gaze flickered between his eyes and his mouth, and he seemed to track the movement.

And without another thought, I drew his face towards mine and kissed him, just the way I'd been wanting to for the past year and a half.

I leaned into him, until the majority of his weight was rested against the car. I traced his lower lip with my tongue, and he opened his mouth, allowing my tongue to sneak its way in.

His hands gripped my shoulders, reaching up to toy with the ends of my hair. I cradled his face in mine and kissed him as passionately as I could.

Words couldn't describe how much I had missed the feeling of his plush lips on mine, his soft body pressed against my own.

I felt like I could never get enough of him. I could kiss him for an eternity and never bore, because kissing him was like ecstasy, my own personal drug.

He caught my bottom lip between his teeth, and I groaned at the mixture of pain and pleasure. I didn't even care that there were people around. Let them see us make out on his car.

Our lips stayed connected, moving in a steady rhythm, full of passion and love, until I pulled away before things got too intense.

Kellin was breathing hard, and he didn't hesitate before throwing himself into my arms. He wrapped his arms around my neck and clung to me like I would disappear from his very grasp.

"I love you so fucking much, Vic. You have to know that." He whispered.

"I do." I said, enclosing my arms around his small frame.

"Don't lie," he said as he leaned back in my arms to look at me. "I know you, Vic. I know you doubt the way I feel about you."

I didn't know what to say, because he was right. I ended up nodding my head in agreement.

"Vic, listen closely." Kellin rested both hands on my cheeks. "I love you. Oliver was a distraction, a mistake, and whenever I was with him, all I could think about was the fact that he wasn't you. Nobody is you. And letting you go was the stupidest mistake I ever made."

For the second time that day, tears slipped from my ducts and careened down my face. I wasn't usually this sensitive, but Kellin was getting to me. He always did.

"I know," I said.

"I don't think you do." He paused, "Do you really forgive me for what I did to you?"

I gave a halfhearted smile. "I might hold some resentment."

"I knew you would." Kellin said. "Still, no one is as forgiving as you. Even if you do forgive me, I don't think I'll ever stop apologizing."

"Why?" I asked with a frown. Kellin had my forgiveness and I didn't want him to continue apologizing for something that I already forgave him for.

"Because I fucked up. And I hurt you, but I hurt myself, too. Leaving you was the biggest mistake of my life, and I gave up the one person I loved more than anything else because of what others thought."

I could tell he was getting angry, though not at me, but at himself instead. I placed my hands on his shoulders and rubbed little circles with my fingers. "It's okay, Kellin." I said softly.

"No, it's not!" He exclaimed, his ice blue eyes wide. "You needed me. You needed me and I wasn't there!"

"I did need you." I said calmly. "And you're right; you weren't there. But you're here now, and that's more than enough."

"I'm always going to be here. I promise you that. Most people don't meet the love of their life at seventeen, but I met mine. I'd be a fool to give you up a second time." Kellin said, looking into my eyes.

The look in his eyes was intense, and in all the years I'd known Kellin Quinn, I had never seen him quite this serious.

I often doubted that he loved me the way he said he did. But seeing him right now, the sincerity in his words that was reflected in his eyes, I didn't doubt him anymore.

"Don't make me cry," I teased, because in all honesty, I was tearing up again, and I couldn't help it.

"Sorry," he murmured. "I just love you."

"I love you, Kellin Quinn. You have no idea how much."

"I think I have an idea." He said as he reached up and kissed me. "No one would put up with my bullshit the way you do if they didn't adore me."

I smiled, because that was true. Kellin was a brat, but he was my brat.

A glance at the sky revealed that the sun was getting lower and lower. Soon the sun would set.

I looked back to Kellin, unable to help the outrageously wide grin that spread across my face. I was one hundred percent certain I looked like a total maniac, but I was just so happy. It felt like everything was falling into place.

"We should get on the road again." I told him.

His smile faded, and I wondered what he was thinking, but he didn't say anything.

He headed around to the driver's side and climbed in the car while I did the same on the passenger's side.

Once we were situated, seat-belts buckled and secure, Kellin started the engine and off we went.

I flipped the radio on to a random station and listened for a while. I was never real big into pop music, but it was nice to hear how the music styles had changed. I recognized some of the artists', but there were those that were unfamiliar, too.

"So, I was too afraid to ask earlier, but did you write any songs about me? As in, specifics?" I questioned him.

I looked to him for a reaction, and he nodded. "I wrote a lot about you." He said. "It was a good way to deal with my emotions. There are two songs that are most important to me."

"What are they called?"

"The first one I wrote is called Let Love Bleed Red, and the second is All My Heart."

"Let Love Bleed Red?" I said to myself, intrigued. Just hearing the title had me desperate to know more.

"Any chance you have one of your CDs here in the car?" I asked hopefully.

"Actually, yes. There's one in the glove compartment. Earlier when you asked to hear some, I didn't tell you because I knew you would know they were about you." He said, his cheeks turning red.

"Mind if I listen?"

"Yeah, go ahead." He said, casting me an uneasy glance that made me wonder exactly what these songs were about.

I searched the glove compartment, and found the CD Kellin had mentioned. I popped the disk out and inserted it into the player.

I looked to the back of the CD's case, and scanned the list of songs until I found Let Love Bleed Red.

Number 4.

I skipped to that particularly song and sat back in my seat, getting comfortable.

When the song was over, I flipped to All My Heart, which was marked number 10.

Throughout the two songs, I could see Kellin casting glances at me out of the corner of his eye, but I kept a straight face. I didn't want to give anything away.

When the tenth song finished playing, and the next began, I didn't even notice. Instead, I sat in awe.

Kellin had a beautiful voice, and I was so proud of him for making use of that talent. But hearing him sing those songs in his smooth, high pitched voice, with lyrics that were written specifically about me, was something else entirely.

"Wow." I said finally.

"What?" He looked at me, his features twisted with anxiety. "Good wow? Bad wow?"

"Good wow. Great wow. Amazing wow. Wonderful w-"

"Okay, I get it." Kellin laughed. "You have no idea how anxious I am for your approval. I was afraid you would hate them."

"Hate them?" I asked. "How could I? I mean it, those songs are wonderful. It's weird to know they're about me though."

"I had no one to talk to about you, so I wrote it down instead. It helped. Let Love Bleed Red is actually one of our most popular songs."

"Wow," I said again. "Do your fans know you're gay?"

Kellin shook his head. "Nope, not yet. I imagine the fan girls are either going to be devastated or overjoyed."

"Let's hope it's the latter." I said.

"So?"

"So what?" I asked, confused.

"Which song did you like better?"

"Although I thought the title Let Love Bleed Red was interesting, I ended up liking All My Heart better." I said, and then waggled my eyebrows. "You know, technically our love wouldn't bleed red. We're gay; it'd bleed rainbow."

"Oh my god, I'm dating an idiot." Kellin choked out through laughter.

"Dating?" I asked.

"Don't act like we aren't dating. You kissed me. Now you're stuck with me."

"I'm fine with that. I just didn't know if things were official between us." I told him.

"Well, we are." He said, and then hesitated. "If you want to be?"

"You know I do. In case you haven't gotten the clue by now, you're kind of all I've ever wanted."

Kellin smiled so brightly it was like staring into the sun; you just can't look away. He reached for my hand, and intertwined our fingers.

"You're making me feel like my heart is melting. Like I'm a chocolate bar and I've been sitting in your pocket all day. I haven't felt like this in a long time. I missed it."

"You missed feeling like melting chocolate?" I asked, laughing.

"Yes, I did. Very much. Don't make fun, I'm serious." He said with a straight face.

"Of course you are." I shook my head at his silliness, but squeezed his hand tighter. Holding his hand always made me feel anchored, like his touch would protect me from anything.

I leaned my head against the window, and watched the scenery go by. Soon enough, the stores and fast food places faded into trees and cows as we got closer and closer to my parents' house.

I felt dread creep up and make a home in my stomach. I hadn't seen my parents in two and a half years. My mother came to visit me once, the first month I was there, but never again.

"Are you alright?" Kellin asked me, and I turned to him, slapping on a smile.

"Why wouldn't I be?"

"I don't know, you tell me. You're the one squeezing my hand so hard your knuckles are turning white." Kellin said sassily.

I loosened my grip. I hadn't even realized that I was holding onto him so tight.

"Sorry," I said. "I'm just nervous to be back in this town with all the people who hate me again. I think I'd rather be in prison than suffer their disgusted looks and shocked whispers."

Kellin didn't speak, and when I glanced at him, he appeared to be deep in thought.

"Vic," he said finally. "Do you wanna come live with me?"

"What?" I asked, unable to hide how shocked I was. "Are you serious?"

"I mean, yeah. Why not?"

"You don't think it's too soon? We aren't rushing into things, are we? I mean, we've only been together for twenty minutes, and you're asking me to move in with you."

"We've only been together for twenty minutes, but I've been in love with you for almost four years. And I'm pretty sure the feeling is mutual. Besides, nothing is too soon with you." Kellin said.

"Why are you asking me this?" I asked curiously.

It wasn't that I was ungrateful, because I wasn't. I just couldn't believe Kellin was offering to let me live with him. That was like a big deal.

"Because I don't want you to suffer. I know how unhappy you'll be with your parents, in that town. And you don't deserve the hatred of a couple hundred of judgmental rednecks who don't even know you." Kellin told me.

"So you're asking me to live with you, because you feel sorry for me?" I asked, slightly hurt.

I wasn't going to live with Kellin if he only offered because he pitied me. That would be pathetic, and I didn't want him to treat me like some basket case.

"Yes?" He said. "Wait, no. I do feel bad for you. You can't expect me not to. I got coddled by everyone after you left; they treated me like I was fragile, like I was a victim. And it got frustrating because I wasn't a victim. I was just a boy in love with another, slightly older boy. I don't want them to treat you like the monster they've made you out to be in their heads."

"That's nice and -"

"Hey!" Kellin glared at me. "Let me finish before you go denyin' anything."

"Alright, alright. I thought you were done."

"Sure you did," he mumbled under his breath. "Anyway, as I was saying before I was oh so rudely interrupted - I do feel sorry for you. But that's not the only reason. I love you. Like, a lot. I live forty five minutes away from your parents' house, and I don't want to be that far away from you. Not now, when I just got you back."

His words made me melt. He was so sweet, and precious.

"So?" Kellin peeked at me. "Is that a yes? Will you move in with me?"

Okay, maybe it wasn't a good idea to move in with your ex-boyfriend that you just got back together with on your first day out of prison because he left you for another guy and you were stuck in a cell, but I didn't claim to be smart, and I didn't care about the past either.

"Yes." I said.

Kellin squealed happily, and the sound made me grin. He was such a cutie. I didn't understand how I ever got so lucky.

>>>

After what seemed like a lifetime, but in reality was only fifty minutes, we arrived at Kellin's apartment.

We had spent the remainder of the trip talking, reminiscing on the past, and joking around. But I was relieved to finally be somewhere I could call home.

Kellin's apartment wasn't the biggest, but it definitely wasn't small. From his job, and music sales, he had a pretty good income.

When I came out of the bathroom, he was standing in the middle of the room, eyes glued to his phone.

I snuck up behind him and wrapped my arms around his waist. "Hey," I whispered in his ear.

He jumped, but relaxed in my grip when he realized it was me. He leaned his head back against my shoulder. "Hi, it's going to take some getting used to having another person living with me."

"Are you sure you want me to live with you? You can still change your mind." I said, giving him an out.

Kellin's eyebrows furrowed. "I'm starting to think you don't want to live with me."

"Baby, no. I want to live with you, I swear. I just want you to be sure you want it. I guess... I don't want to get hurt again."

Kellin's face softened. "I won't hurt you. I'm not going anywhere. I'm all in, Vic."

"You know I'm all in, too. I should know you aren't going anywhere. After all, I still have all your heart, don't I?" I asked with a smirk as I quoted the song he wrote about me.

Kellin pouted. "I shouldn't have let you listen to that song. Knowing you, you'll hold that against me forever."

"For as long as I have you."

"So forever then?" He asked, eyes sparkling.

"Yeah," I agreed, my voice softening at the thought of a lifetime with the infamous Kellin Quinn. "Forever."

I captured his mouth with mine in a soft and sweet kiss. If this was forever, then I couldn't wait.

"Do you think it's too soon for marriage?" I asked, surprised to find I was only half joking.

Kellin grinned wickedly. "Hmm, I don't know. Impulsivity is my speciality."


End file.
